We dare you to be disliked. Why? Because to paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you can please some of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time. If you want to be happy pleasing people, you might as well learn to be happy not pleasing them because the chances are just as good at doing that.
Our post’s title might remind you of a somewhat similar phrase. “It's better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for someone you're not,” or something close to that with a word or two changed. It’s been attributed to everyone from French author and Nobel Prize winner Andre Gide to American musician Kurt Cobain and likely can be traced to one of the classic philosophers. The particular phrase we cited was spoken by American Actor Bette Davis. She went on to say, “It's a sign of your worth sometimes, if you're hated by the right people.” A thought not addressing likability, but one leaning more towards acceptance.
The Davis quote has nothing to do with being liked. To be honest, it has probably little to to do with being hated. Too many people assume that the opposite of love is hate. It isn’t. The opposite of love is apathy. Hate though is a visceral emotion, and thus not unlike love. We readily admit, nobody likes or wants to be hated. We may not want to hate, we may not want to be hated, but hate exists. And it does not have to do with not loving or not liking.
All that having been said, we don’t dare you to be hated. We dare you to be disliked. It is difficult being unliked. Not generally unlikable, but in specific instances or for particular actions or words.
Why then would we dare you to be disliked. Because most of your decisions affect more people than just yourself and if you try to always please everybody with every decision, you will find yourself never able to please yourself.
These are not the life-changing, personal acceptance decisions you would discuss with those closest to you that we write of. We mean the everyday decisions that seemingly are of the “no brainer” type until others start offering their suggestions and ideas.
These are the moments we have in mind when we dare you to be disliked. Standing up for an unpopular decision at work. Enforcing a curfew at home. Reporting a performance error to the bosses. Letting a boss know you are unhappy he didn’t give you credit for the report you wrote that he presented as his own. Saying no to the puppy because you know sometimes it just isn’t the right time. Saying yes to the promotion even though it leapfrogs you over your good friend who took a chance on you when he hired you. And they all have happened to one or the other of us.
Michael remembers as a boy his father considering the purchase of a new car. Everyone wanted a station wagon. “We’d have so much more room when we go on vacation.” But his father had to consider the other 51 weeks of the year too. Where do you park so a big car in that little driveway. Who pays for the gas such a big car takes every week. How easy will it be for the children who keep getting older every year to learn how to drive such a big car. And instead of a station wagon he bought a sensible sedan and was disliked for at least an hour, maybe even two.
These are not the moments that define you. They are moments that are barely remembered after a day or a week or a month of being confronted with dozens of other such unmomentous moments.
You might ask, if they are such nonevents, why care whether you are liked or disliked over them. And to that we say, exactly! But people do care. The people who are affected by the decision who aren’t you care. And often they will let you know of their displeasure. And by nature, we want to be loved, respected, valued - and liked! It is easy grow weary of being not being liked. Even for just a day. Even for just an hour. Fortunately, it rarely lasts longer.
Dare to be unliked often enough, provided you are making rational decisions, you will be unliked less often. You may even find yourself being praised as one who knows how to manage what life deals you. You still won’t be able to please all of the people all of the time, but maybe most of the people most of the time?
The reality of being unliked often means that one is being honest and forthright. Not squishing truth to make it appear acceptable. I've been a people-pleaser my whole long life, and it's exhausting. Being bold and brave to state what is true or what I can't do takes courage. Standing up for ourselves can be one of the hardest things we do--and yet the most mature and growth-encouraging. This is stellar, you two. Thanks for the reminder of daring to be disliked.