Yes, No. Black, white. These, those. The absolutes are easy to tell apart. On an athletic field, teams wear different uniforms clearly identifying who is with whom. In an orchestra, musicians with like instruments sit in a group, defining what part each group plays. Even in common board games, playing tokens are different colors representing which player is on which side. Humans love absolutes. We like being able to tell who is with us. Those who aren’t with us must be against us. Why can it not be those who are not against us are with us? Subtle difference in wording, big difference in results. Or better still, why cannot it be we’re all in this together?
We’re all in this together is more than a catchy tune from Disney’s “High School Musical.” It is a call to action. A call to break away from the us versus them mentality of a world reduced to either/or solutions, especially when neither/nor is usually right.
We are known for looking for the bright spots in life, encouraging others to find the good, to look for the positive, that there is something encouraging in every situation. Let’s take a different approach. What if, just if, everybody is wrong?
It’s not a far-fetched idea that people can have completely different opinions on something and both are wrong. Two children look at the grass. One says it’s blue and the other says it’s red. Who’s right? Exactly. There is no good answer between them. The only thing that is encouraging is we now know two colors the grass is not. Even that is not encouraging unless both children are willing to admit that neither of them is right. They can now work together to review the remaining available colors and determine which matches the grass. They can continue to work alone and may discover the correct color potentially in twice the time it would take if they worked together. They cannot continue to declare the grass is either red or blue, because it is neither and just saying so cannot change that.
Even in this example, there is a positive. Children are inquisitive, open to options, and always seeking to improve and be better. They usually would not even consider that they may both be wrong. They will view their situation as having eliminated two incorrect choices.
Now you may say that works for children, but adult issues aren’t so black and while. Yet that is often how we treat them. We do exactly that with each other, with our children, students, spouses and partners, coworkers, almost anybody who disagrees with or presents an opposing view as ours, even conflicts as simple as not completing a household chore or word task.
In Embrace the Gray we wrote of conflicts within us when we said, “you are punishing yourself by refusing to accept that parts of all sides exist to make the whole.” That certainly also is appropriate when dealing with conflicts between or amongst others. We owe each other respect and compassion and agree that differences of opinions are inevitable, even when addressing a single fact. We are punishing ourselves when we refuse to consider other opinions on the way to uncovering that actual fact.
To answer the question put in the title of this post, unless you are playing some sport, an instrument in a symphony orchestra, or a high stakes, rousing game of backgammon, we should be on our side.
The divisiveness of competing sides in arguments, games, attitudes, or simple conversations leaves us with little hope for cohesiveness among us. You've brought up a wise thought--we are all in this life together. It's the same ship, so why do we work so hard at rocking it? Kids learn from us to be contentious, to make everything a competition instead of a collaborative effort. I love the idea of finding something positive in every situation that we can agree on. Why do we insist that it's always us versus them? Without really identifying who "them" is? By the way, that song from "High School Musical" has always been a family favorite!